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Michael Jackson has really died. The King of Pop is gone. And I cannot help but feel tremendously sad. Throughout my life, I have been a big fan of his music. As an early teenager, I loved songs like “Ben” or “Can you feel it”. I had just left home and gone into the big world on my own when his megasalling albums “Off the Wall” and “Thriller” came out. It was his music blasting from the speakers, that drew me and the friend I used to go out with at the time, to what would become our favorite little discotheque in Amsterdam. I’ll even admit to having practised then mastered the moonwalk, as well as various other dance moves he made famous. “HiStory” was not as big a hit as his previous albums, yet I loved the depth and the emotion in the songs on it. Moving from easy, danceable, plastic pop Michael Jackson showed he had a heart and soul, and that at times they were bleeding because of all the injustice and pain, both in his personal life and in the world as a whole. His “Earth Song” can make me cry still today. And yes I know it’s overcommercialised, but take that away and it’s still an incredible song. As is most of his material.

And yet, in spite of all the fame and the millions he made, his life as a whole was one big tragedy. I think we all know the story so I’m not going to repeat it here. Comparisons with Peter Pan come to mind, as well as Heinlein’s “Stranger in a strange land”. When I think of him, I see an extremely gifted artist, completely lost in a world he didn’t understand, and that never really understood him, in return. Wacko Jacko.

And so, the song ringing in my head at the moment, is not by him. It’s an old Don McLean song named “Vincent”, and it’s about Vincent van Gogh, the famous Dutch painter who just like Michael Jackson was a complete misfit.

Part of the lyrics go like this:

“For they could not love you
but still your love was true

and when no hope was left in sight on that starry
starry night.
You took your life
as lovers often do;
But I could have told you
Vincent
this world was never
meant for one
as beautiful as you.”

Rest in peace, Michael. You have finally found Neverland, beyond the second star on the right. To me, you will always be beautiful. Thank you, for everything.

**

Who’s that girl?

Well I wonder who that girl is
she is sitting in my chair
and she wears my clothes, she has my face
she has even got my hair

But her eyes are close to crying
and her mouth has lost its grin
and as far as I can tell from here
she is close to caving in

And she’s asking all her closest friends
what she may be doing wrong
’cause she used to always laugh and sing
she was always tough and strong
and she used to dodge or take the blows
and she could take on the world
so I really wonder who she is
tell me please.. who is that girl?

Yeah I wonder who that girl is
she is speaking in my voice
but it’s far too soft, and trembling
like she doesn’t have a choice

And I wish that I could help her
but I don’t know who she is
She’s a stranger yet familiar
she’s the part of me I miss

And I’m asking all my closest friends
what I may be doing wrong
’cause I used to always laugh and sing
I was always tough and strong
Now the bleeding heart has surfaced
and it doesn’t have a name
But if she is me, then I am her
and a fighter all the same

In my imagination I gently close my hand around it, holding it up, the perfect angle. Slowly bringing my face closer, tongue snaking from between my lips and just the tip licking, tasting just a tiny drop that was trickling down, the heat of this very moment. I know he wants me to go further, so much further and so I slowly open my mouth, tongue further out, a long stroke down the bottom all the way to the tip, savouring. It makes me shiver, hungry for more. Closing my lips around the tip I suck slowly. I love the feel, the taste, the knowledge all of this is for me. That I can take my time, enjoying it to the max. And so I do. Alternating between sucking slowly and licking hungrily, nibbling and gently biting here and there, my head dizzy, eyes half closed. Wanting it to last, and last. But the end is near, inevitably approaching. A few final licks and then I swallow fast and hard, not wanting to spill a drop but feeling it dribble down my chin. I wipe my chin and remove a few drops from the corners of my mouth, licking my fingers clean, then sigh happily.

Roughly pulled back to reality by a car braking nearby I look up. He is still watching me, smiling widely, his face radiating a “come on.. you know you want to” and I do, Ohgod, I do want to. And so I cave in, upbringing and knowing better shoved aside, giving in to an urge stronger than anything. I nod at him and he winks, getting ready to do the very thing he and I both knew would happen all along. One last sigh, knowing I have lost the battle, then I look at my kids standing next to me in front of the cart.. “ice cream, anyone?”

I’m usually the type whose mind can easily perform multiple complicated tasks at once, I’m very organised and verbally strong. Now, the simplest things like making lunch or folding laundry take me forever, because halfway through I’ll forget who wanted what or I’ll stand with the one blue sock in my hand, just not seeing the other one that goes with it, then forgetting I need the second blue sock alltogether. I’ll walk into a room to fetch that ehm.. yes.. what am I doing here? Or, and this one particularly bugs me: I’ll forget I was talking to someone online in mid conversation, go do something else and then when they go “hello?” because I’m not responding I’ll reply with a happy “Hi!” before realizing I was already talking to them before.

Apart from a bit demented I am also constantly restless, and even though I am in a great mood I just know that should anyone rub me the wrong way I am quite likely to snap.

And so I just hope I manage to make it through the first difficult weeks without caving in and without damaging my relationships with people I care about too much. I’m really not being a bitch or unattentive on purpose.. just a junkie going cold turkey to get rid of her addiction. Please, cut me some slack, okay?